Love Letter #14 ~ Kill Them with Kindness

Dear Self,

“You can attract more bees with honey than with vinegar,” my mom used to say. Another favorite of hers was, “Kill them with kindness.” As I’ve grown older, I’ve found those sayings to be surprisingly useful.

For instance, Karen, my back-fence neighbor, has two small dogs. I have one large one. Periodically, my dog would bark loudly at squirrels running along our shared fence line. Annoying? Yes, but he was doing what dogs do.

One day I learned from Martina, my next-door neighbor, that Karen had been going around the neighborhood trying to get others to agree that my dog was a nuisance. Instead of confronting Karen about it, I decided to try a different approach.

“Karen, the plums on my tree are ripe. Would you like some?” I asked, holding up an overflowing bag.

She accepted, and that simple gesture led to a friendly conversation and an exchange of phone numbers. Since then, things between us have been quiet and uneventful. If she ever has a concern, she sends me a quick text and I respond. We get along well.

Had I approached Karen with aggression, the situation might have escalated. Every issue involving my dog or the fence could have turned into another confrontation. But since then, I’ve learned that responding with patience and kindness often diffuses aggression before it has a chance to escalate.

That lesson brings me to today.

Some people carry a lot of stress, and even a small slight can push them over the edge. I have no desire to become the target of someone else’s rage. Staying calm in the face of hostility isn’t always easy, but I try not to match negative energy with more negativity.

When someone is rude for no apparent reason, I respond with kindness. When someone seems envious, I respond with a generous gesture. When someone spreads a rumor about me, I calmly ask questions and follow the trail until I learn where story began.

Being quiet and non-problematic can invite people to test your boundaries. When that happens, I remind myself not to react in anger but kill them with kindness instead. 

Thank you, Mom, for the wisdom.

—Self